Sometimes you just feel the need to type up what you're thinking, so I figured this would be a good place to do it. This is going to be a VERY large note, as I have a lot to say, so I apologize in advance: I just hope that it will reach anyone who may need to hear it.

*breathe* ... here goes...

To those who don't know me closely, I've been fighting with Crohn's Disease for well over 7 years now. My entire time through undergraduate studies and now as a graduate student at SCAD's sequential program has been an uphill battle, since I'm unable to take on as heavy a workload as other people. Any excessive stress or intense deadlines cause me to come close to a relapse. I've even been on students with disabilities for over half of my time here, and have been hospitalized twice for pancreatitis caused by my Crohn's.

The last time I was hospitalized, my doctor put me on Tramadol for the pain. This was a little over a year ago. To those who don't know anything about the drug, it is classified as a low-grade controlled substance, rating below the heavier drugs like Vicodin. Even though it is not as regulated a drug as the others, reading up on it shows that it can create opiate-like side effects and runs a moderate risk of dependency. I have never had any sort of a history of addiction -- neither in my own history or that of my family -- so I didn't think anything of my being prescribed a potentially addicting drug. I really should have been more careful.

What I ultimately found was that the drug created a heightened sense of calm and numbness throughout my entire system, both physical and mentally. In times when I would have otherwise been stressing out over deadlines with projects, suddenly I found myself able to get through everything in a soft haze, without any stomach pains or other symptoms. What was supposed to be a temporary "as needed" relief of pain suddenly became the entire basis for my daily functions. Where I was prescribed 4-6 pills a day, I was taking upwards of 10-12.

I became hooked on the stuff, and used the excuse of my lessened Crohn's symptoms to convince my doctor to keep the prescription going for well over a year. I manipulated the system in order to keep my fix, and I never once admitted to myself what was really going on.

It was about six months after my addiction began that I started showing the truly negative symptoms of the drug, some of which were absolutely bizarre. In the midst of the highs, I was developing an increased sense of apathy towards all aspects of my life. Don't relate this to something like smoking pot, with the stereotypical guy in a t-shirt sitting on a couch playing games all day. It was a mental apathy, and truly hard to explain: I just stopped caring altogether about things that were supposed to my entire reason for being where I am at this point in my life, as if I suddenly lacked emotional capacities for them. My personal work ethic took a nosedive, I became less inclined to commit myself to projects and classwork, and found myself completely without any remorse for missed deadlines. My relationship with my girlfriend even began to suffer as my behavior began to change. The only thing that I focused on -- even passively, through force of habit -- was when the next four hours would pass so I could take another dose.

Eventually the drug itself began to make me physically ill, but I would tell everyone around me that it was just my Crohn's acting up, and would take even more of the drug while acting like "it would help the problem," when it was really the cause. I risked overdosing, but like so many other things, I just couldn't bring myself to care. I just wanted to feel good.

Jump forward to just this morning. It was a simple hiccup in the refill system at CVS that caused the pharmacy to contact my doctor. I had stupidly begun trying to squeeze out refills several days ahead of their scheduled times, and this set up a red flag with the pharmacy. All it took was one phone call to open the doctor's eyes to what was really going on: a drug that I had been taking for over a year on an "as needed" directional basis was actually being taken around-the-clock as a daily regime. I had a hidden dependency, and I was just lucky enough to have a doctor who knew how to handle it.

This morning was one of the most difficult times I've ever had to face, when all of my personal demons came flooding out at once. Prescription drug abuse can affect anyone as I have come to know all too well over the past year. I'm starting clean today, but in my opinion it is entirely too late. I should have had the strength to do this 11 months ago.

I'm writing this in the hopes that it will catch the attention of anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. Medical problems cause us to feel frail and look for excuses to restore our strength, either through emotional means or by removing the pain altogether. In my case, I found a false strength through numbness and dug myself into a hole by disconnecting myself from everything of importance in my life. It took all I had in me to just admit to my lady this morning, "I have an addiction."

In summary:

If you are potentially dependent on an unnecessary medication, do not let it control you. Your life is your own and you CANNOT allow yourself to risk it. Find the strength to just admit to yourself that it is what it is: not just an addiction, but one that can be cured and removed from your life.